i wonder

what causes our longing and lonliness on the deepest of levels?

for me

i believe it is my anima trying to find it's nature

unhindered by the soul (conciousness)

likewise

i believe it is my soul trying to find it's way

unhindered by the anima

i long for the fulfillment of my most basic and animalistic needs

while

at the same time trying to transcend the fles, to become a higher being....

if only the two natures could dwell in peace....

When In Rome

during a moment of bravery i started a creative projects group that will meet once a month ....i am elated and scared*swallows hard*...if i don't use my wings they will continue to wither until nothing remains....my friend Leigh and i have discussed this on and off for years and it's just time ya know....it's just time

dry socket

futility

is my safeword

at all costs

i must reign in my anger

i must keep it bound, silent

in this heart shaped box, i must

stow it safely

where i hide my fear, my regret, my hatred for you

my secrets,love, where my heart used to be

there are chattering teeth

how was i to know?

that a false heart fears, that it hurts,that it hungers all the more

keeping

i held your hand

and dragged you kicking,

screaming

to a chamber in the forgotten realm of my heart

where briars and brambles tear to pieces all who search

for love in it's depths

all who would hear you laugh

all who would see you smile

all who would love you and leave you

to the wolves

i swore

we would never again be so foolish

silly girl ,

you have made jesters of us both

dream in color

i ramble

along a winding path

unraveling my guts, my glory as i go searching

for home

under the monster movie moon, i sleep

among the brambles, i dream

behind my eyes

a world of color breathes life into life

the tired search for my place will wait

until tomorrow

ambivalence

i am indifferent to Desire's call,

lost to her embrace

always at my back

i feel her waiting for me

to forgive, forget

she will not surrender and i am helpless remembering

what it was like

when she loved me

diamonds....

give the gift that says...."third world inhabitants should live in grief and die for our vanity"

help me build a home

help me build a home

i need to belong here with you

alone in my soul i first

built a house of sand, then a house of stone

i left them for wind and weather, time and tide

i could not dwell in either

i preferred to wander

to dream beneath the stars, homeless

i cannot live without shelter, without warmth

a cold heart is the price of freedom,

and it is killing me

help me build a home

i need to grow old here with you

my vagabond heart cannot remain untethered

give me rest, give me shelter,

and together

we will dream of more than stars

we will wander a different expanse

the living maps of human spirit

inked in our hearts

we will find what we live for

as one

getting my veggies on

after an incident last night i have renewed my vow not to eat meat

after several attempts at this type of dietary change i will be doing the switchover more moderately

atfirst no beef or pork

then after i have successfully done that

no fowl

that will leave only eggs, fish, and shellfish

it is a difficult switch but i am determined no matter how many tries it takes i will succeed

i will never feel whole until i do this

in fact....within a year or two i aspire to be completely vegan

i watched, helplessly, as a living thing died before my eyes last night

and the raw emotion and anger i felt at the person who took it's life ran through my being

i made up my mind

it's over

always changing my mind

i believe i have known who i am and what i believe in for many years

i also believe (or know rather)that i have ignored it because it was easier than changing

in all these years i have changed my mind about family, friends, love, human relationships, diet, parenting, education, career, meaning of life, ethics, morals, my faith, etc

all of these things have come into question many, many times when i have been confronted by things i found moving, disturbing, enlightening, etc

right now all of these things are in the forefront of my being and i feel compelled to define my position in life

my faith, my way of eating, my career, well everything really all has roots in my spiritual center

since i am no longer a "christian" as others define it i have been searching

not because i can't live without religion

but because i believe in the human potential we all have to be spiritually fulfilled beings and i refuse to believe the answers i have been given are all there is

when i quiet my center and really meditate on truth i know that i am not acting and living according to my own truth and sensibilities

that being said

i have to find a way to be me but still keep the bridges from burning between myself and others

even moreso

i have to get past my own weaknesses and fears

i know without a doubt

that in order to be whole and fulfilled

i have to be honest and stop being a chamelion for the sake of family, friends and society

i have grown tired of pretending for the sake of acceptance and security

i will always be sad , alone, and miserable until i begin to live the way i know in my heart to be true

TRUTH is what i seek and what i fear