divine apathy

all i've ever wanted is to believe...
i doubt even the ground beneath my feet...
the air i breathe...
is false...
nothing is certain....and this ...
is my only truth


divine apathy is a disease...
for which there is no cure...

organized religion bred this sickness

blind faith was never for me...
accepting one source as absolute truth is something i just cannot justify academically...
spiritually...
ethically...
nor as a thinking being in general...

i can accept and even imagine...
that there are many truths in this world...

but finding that in my mind...
my heart...
my soul...
has nearly spent me

reconciling the fact that i have felt the presence of what i came to know as "god"
but not believing entirely in what that means exactly...
puts me in a strange no man's land spiritually speaking...

according to the faith of my childhood

everything i do is evil...wicked...selfish...and vain
i am a witch...
a harlot...
a possessed woman...a vile abomination

i love the things i should hate...
i am disobedient and ungrateful...
willfull...

full if sin and iniquity

yet i am a creation ...better yet a child...
of god

i my heart ...the things i have felt were true...acording to this faith are false...
not only false...
but horribly futile...if i am to avoid destruction and eternal damnation in a lake of burning pitch

i have studied this all in great detail...
even looked to other faiths and their texts for answers...

i just cannot reconcile any of it with what i...inside...
feel is true of any diety that made me and this beautiful...terrible...world in which i live...and wonder...

disconnected and alone in my doubt

ever searching for answers...
buried beneath the sands of time...
and the meddling hands of men...

the only faith i have left..
is in the triumph of the human spirit...

knowing not from whence it came